Those People

I'm not sure how this all happened. I swore I would never be one of those people, but somehow that got lost in the chaos. And now I'm in too deep.

Elliott's first birthday party.

When I was pregnant I remember specifically saying how Christmas was going to be small scale from us because of the absurd amount of crap she was going to get from everyone else. But then I got excited...and couldn't stop shopping. And now I'm doing it for her birthday too.

I think it began while I was working on the guest list. There were just too many people that we had to invite and I couldn't justify cutting anyone. So then we had to find a bigger venue. And then we had to get cupcakes. And snacks. And decorations. And drinks. And balloons. And goodie bags for the kids. And a pinata.

And then I couldn't stop.

There was even talk about a chocolate fountain, but I blame Christine for that one and it was eventually cut. But that's about the only thing that has been dropped. If Chris knew how much we had spent on this he might decide to boycott the party. Or charge everyone admission. But unless we're charging $20 a head, we wouldn't even come close to recouping our money. But he doesn't know that so I think I'm safe...for now.

Of course, I'm hearing all kinds of opinions about first birthday parties. How it's really for the grown-ups (you mean Elliott won't remember this? or send me a thank you note afterwards? brat). But this comment keeps coming from the stupid family member who couldn't afford to throw his daughter a first birthday party. I'm pretty sure he's just jealous. But I digress.

One thing I'm still working on is Elliott's outfit for the big day. I had dreams of a fluffy, pink tutu dress, but this seems so out of character for me that I almost can't bring myself to do it. Even though I have bid on a couple outrageous dresses on eBay, but lost them. It's probably a sign, but I'm not good with subtleness. I need a screaming, flashing red sign. Like if my debit card were to be declined while buying the poofy dress. That would make me rethink my choice.

So I've already decided (and said out loud to Chris so that makes it official) that first birthday parties are important so they'll always have to be big. But this won't happen every year. But even now as I type this, I'm not sure I can keep my word on that one. I'm already envisioning the theme...

The Invitation

I finally finished the invites to Elliott's birthday party. I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to make them. It took forever, especially the cutting. I'm not completely happy with how they turned out, but I just had to stop working on them so they could get in the mail.

Fine.

The brakes started acting funny on my car Thursday evening. "Funny" in a I-can't-drive-you-anymore way. Super. Good thing my parents have an extra car and freely let their children borrow it whenever there are issues. Normally the issues are not mine though.

Chris got up this morning to take the car to have it looked at...and the whole brake system needs to be replaced because someone put something other than brake fluid in the brake fluid spot. And it's going to be between two and three grand to fix...

My first reaction was Wal-Mart messed my car up. I know, I know, lots of people have strong opinions about Wal-Mart and their takeover of consumer America, making it cheaper and blah, blah, blah. But I go there. All the time. And while I'm grocery shopping, they change my oil and give my car a tune up every three thousand miles. I'm religious about it. Take care of your car and it'll take care of you. I'm sure that's something my dad said once. Ugh.

So I'm looking at the paperwork from my last oil change and it doesn't mention them touching the brake fluid. So I just call and ask them if they top it off when they change my oil. Apparently, they are not allowed to. Hmmm.

So I still want to blame Wal-Mart, but then I start to think. Chris and my dad changed my brakes months ago--everything went smooth. But about a month or so ago, I told Chris the brakes felt funny. So he went out in the garage for a little bit, came back in and said the fluid was low and so he topped it off. But everything else looked fine.

All of the sudden I feel sick. Chris...I come to this realization as I'm sitting in the living room, just getting off the phone with Wal-Mart. I tell Chris what I remember. The look on his face says he already knew. He says he knows what brake fluid is. I think how pointless it was for him to just say that. I don't say anything though, there's no need. He messed up. Big. And now it's going to cost us. Big.

I am eerily calm about this mess. My brain tells me I should be upset. That's a lot of money and, well, that's just a lot of money. I want to be mad. It is his fault. But I keep thinking back to the end of November.

We've been needing the two large trees in our front yard trimmed for a while and Chris finally agreed to have this guy do it. Half way through the job he tells Chris he only accepts cash so Chris runs out to the bank. When he gets back, I tell Chris the guy isn't really doing anything that we asked and he (Chris) needs to make sure the job is done right before he pays him. Not even five minutes later, I look outside and the guy is driving off and our trees aren't trimmed. Long story short, Chris didn't stand up for himself and the guy drove off with our money...and we still had trees that needed trimmed.

I was so mad. I don't even think I can type how mad I was. Let's just go with furious and know that doesn't cover it. This all happened ten minutes before we were supposed to be at Target for our family picture (just try to look like a happy family when you are furious...no, really, try it--it's hard). I know Chris felt bad about that and it was nowhere near $3,000. And I didn't let that one go for about a day. Using that math, I'm going to be mad for about a month over this one. But that just seems exhausting.

So I'm trying to just breathe. There is nothing we can do about it now. Since this has happened he's already randomly rubbed my back, started the laundry, and cleaned the bathroom. I know he's sorry. Really sorry.

In the grand scheme of things this really doesn't matter. Just turning on the news and seeing pictures from Haiti makes this seem pretty insignificant. Not even a bleep on the radar of real-life suffering. And then there's God telling me to relax, it doesn't have to consume you. It will be fine. You will be fine.

Focus

I put the People magazine down. This was huge. Standing in line at Wal-Mart, I picked up the issue needing to know about Kate Gosselin’s new hair extensions and who’s doing what with their celebrity babies. And then I stopped. I had things to do tonight that I really wanted to get done: work on Elliott’s birthday invitations, write, read my Bible, and mop the kitchen floor. Things that were more important than people I didn’t know, in a world I will never live in. So I put it back on the rack (after skimming a couple pages while the lady in front of me with way more than 20 items checked out) and tried to focus.

This morning’s sermon was about redirecting our (the Church’s) attention to a few things that are important as opposed to lots of sort-of important things. About doing a few things well instead of lots of things average. This hit home for me. I’ve been struggling a lot recently with balancing my life. When I’m at home, I’m thinking about what I need to get done at school. When I’m at school, I’m thinking about Elliott and how I should go home and see her. When I’m reading a guilty-pleasure novel, I’m thinking about how I should be reading my Bible or doing a devotional. I could keep going, but I think you get the point. I’m doing one thing and always thinking about another. This unfocusness (not a real word, I know) has become unsettling recently. Then walking in 15 minutes late to church today, I’m hit with the reality that I do too much of too much.

I need less. Less things. Less responsibility. Less yes. Less need to control everything. Less worry. Less stress. Less distractions.

Less.

I don’t do new year’s resolutions. I’ve probably done it twice in my whole life, it just never crosses my mind. But I’m making one this year. I resolve to focus. Focus on my family. Focus on relationships with friends. Focus on my Jesus. Focus on things that matter. And less on stuff.